Sometimes it’s Good to Forget
When we started this blog, I encouraged all team members to contribute; be it project related or not, a rant about the team, or life, or simply a nice story, especially if you closed your own personal blogs (like I did).
Today I have a rant for everyone out there to read, and it’s about memory.
I have a always had good memory. I might not have been the best at memorizing study stuff, chemistry and so on, but I remember situations, I remember life. People would tell me random stories on the bus, and a few years later - to their surprise - I would mention those stories back to them. People would simply not understand how I can remember such things, which they have long ‘forgotten’.
Many see me as this awesome programmer (self flattery), but truly I am not. I have never cared about programming.
It’s actually not that enjoyable.
I have always found joy in people, I like to be around people, I like to listen, hear what they have to say, and simply absorb as much as I can from them, their hopes, dreams, likes, and dislikes.
I enjoy people and sharing with them.
And people enjoy talking and sharing; and this is why I program, I enjoy sharing my creations with others. If it were not for the users I would not have programmed. And if it wasn’t for the audience I would not have drawn. Now some might disagree, saying that true painters paint for themselves, and not for the audience, but so be it. This is not me. I paint for the audience, I paint, draw, program, produce, to share myself with others.
And I believe this is what all humans live for.
It is a terrible problem though when you have no one to share yourself with. And this is where I have been for most of my life. The more I excel at something the less sharing I can do. Be it innovative Lego structures, math, science, art, philosophy, or programming.
This has been especially accentuated when I started advancing in my programming. I would build things which people would fail to appreciate or understand. They fail to realise their potential; and that is the ultimate disappointment.
And this brings me back to memory. I find myself listening to people, getting to know them, understanding them, but when asked about myself, I seldom give a satisfactory answer. I have given up on many people. Those that want to listen, often have a hard time understanding, and those that might potentially understand, are too rolled up in their own joy of having someone that understands them, that they do not take the time to listen.
And hence I keep on adding to the things I remember.
But sometimes it’s good to forget.
Especially when it’s the disappointment of realising whatever little sharing you have done was never truly understood, nor appreciated, and would one day be forgotten.
Some call this the ailment of the modern world. I however believe it is the ailment of the non-average man.
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January 28th, 2006 at 8:52 am e
Ahmed, I greatly appreciated this post, I feel I understand you much more now.
And I agree with everything you said. I think I need to stop and listen much more in my life.
January 28th, 2006 at 2:09 pm e
“Invincibility makes you lonely.” - random Chinese saying.
You are right when you say people enjoy talking and sharing (with a few exceptions, like myself; and I can start another post telling you how I don’t like to talk and share, but I’m not in the mood right now). The problem is that a lone person is not “loud” enough to make himself heard. There are so many people in the world and the voice of each is drowned by the “noise” of the other people.
The solution that some people have come up with is to gather in groups and to voice together.
I, however, prefer acting on my own even if it means I’m never heard. My principle is that if somebody cannot hear me as a single person, there is no point in making him listen by gathering in a group because then what he hears is the group and not me. The same goes with sharing. If somebody can’t appreciate what I try to share with him, then screw it because it just means the person is on a different level than I am. That’s why I don’t talk about anything meaningful with my parents because there is no point trying.
My two cents.
January 28th, 2006 at 4:07 pm e
What makes you so sure that people are not paying heed to whatever attentions and sharing you give to them?
I find this quite a cynical view of the world at large.
I feel as if you have lumped everyone in one category, as people who you have heard, absorbed, learnt and remembered. And later on, they have disappointed you when they failed to do the same with you.
Does that make you feel unremarkable?
Because for the many people who may have forgotten you there are bound to be plenty who will remember you, will appreciate you and ultimately give you the validation that you feel you need. Though they may not be coming out of the woodwork, that does not mean they exist. They may have not gotten to telling you that or whatever.
Keep in mind, sure you may program, paint, do whatever for people, in the end you are doing all this because you can and in the tiny corner of your heart you want to share. So once you have opened yourself to sharing, you have also opened the door to being hurt, to being vulnerable. It is always this way.
Once one makes a conscious choice to share, there is always that niggling question, what happens now? Which leads to other interesting ones, what would they think of me? and there are expectations now I have to fulfill? And where is the freedom that having people appreciate my works would have brought? Sharing implies vulnerability.
Many people myself included will not make ourself vulnerable to anyone. One of the many reasons I hate writing on blogs under my true name. I feel if I can hide myself behind some other facade I can disappear and have no one find out what I really think.
And you might never know, who you may be influencing without your knowledge.